Ever wondered about the word survival? It literally means that you continue to exist in spite of it all. Well wouldn’t it be great if thrival was a word too? I will propose the definition
Thrival – Meaning to live and thrive in spite of it all.
The first 3 months of a baby’s life are so demanding on a mother. Often called “the fourth trimester,” this time is a period of intensity. The lack of sleep, the hourly needs of an infant, the mother’s physical pain, not to mention the emotional rollercoaster. Moms know this in their bones and their bodies carry that score.
But those early months can also be a time of physical healing, bonding and connecting with baby, and learning a whole new way of loving. The intensity carries over into that as well! Falling in love with your new baby is a joy. And it can absolutely be a time when neighbors, family members, partners become more generous and kinder. A shift can occur in relationships that brings new chapters. Meals are delivered, chores picked up by others, and a general love-sharing occurs.
Look ahead to AFTER the delivery
It can be difficult, but looking ahead, past the delivery, is so important. There are things to do to prepare for the 4th trimester!
Meal Prep and Meal Train
Stocking the freezer with meals that can be easily warmed up is a great way to prepare for having a baby. The third trimester is a time to make batches of pasta sauce, roast chicken, pork ribs and other hearty meals cut into bites. Lactation cookies, brownies and other sweet treats can also be made ahead and frozen for that sleepy 4th trimester. The internet has tons of recipes to try, or simply freeze your favorites!
More Lactation Friendly Recipes
You can also set up a meal train online and invite your friends and family from all corners of the globe to sign up for a specific date to make or send a meal. They can also pay for uber eats right through the app! Or make a simple checklist at the baby shower and have everyone sign up the old-fashioned way. Google sheets work just as well for a happy medium between online and paper sign up.
Stock the Bathroom
There is a long list of supplies that can help moms in the recovery phase. Giving birth is a physical ordeal, but there are many supplies that can ease the pain and discomfort after delivery.
Get a shower caddy (like the kind for a dorm room) and stuff it with postpartum pads, witch hazel post-partum products, hemorrhoid relief, stool softener, and a peri-bottle. Then consider getting a bidet for the toilet.
A List for the Fridge
Most refrigerators aren’t magnetic these days, but it’s the concept that counts! Make a list of important details and phone numbers. Your doctor, baby’s doctor, the hospital address and phone numbers for anyone you want on a notification list. You can also put up a chart of feedings and diaper changes. Make a space for all the important details you want to remember!
Check out the postpartum printables on Etsy!
Some other lists to get ready are a newborn feeding chart. There are lots of styles and specific breastfeeding trackers. Make your own or find one on etsy.
Let’s Talk about Gate Keeping
There will be people you want to see when baby arrives, and there may be a list of people you do not want to see. Someone needs to be the gate keeper for you and baby. It may be a partner, spouse, grandmother or aunt. They can be a soldier at the door for you and baby. They answer texts politely, and shoo people away at the door, or tell people to come back later.
Talk to this special gate keeper ahead of time about when you hope to see friends and family. Make a calendar! Then let people sign up. Keep visiting hours or just get back in bed when you are done socializing. This time is for your peace and rest. You do not owe these days to anyone but yourself and baby.
The first 15 days
The first 15 days of mom’s recovery are tough! Follow a simple rule and make sure everyone knows how to help in those early days of healing. 5 Days In Bed, 5 Days On the Bed, 5 Days Near the Bed.
The first 5 days you will want to rest in the bed, have skin to skin time with baby, learn to feed them, and have as much rest and nourishment brought to you in the bed.
The next 5 Days stay on the bed. You can watch movies, read, take phone calls, and get dressed in something other than pjs (or not!). But still spend lots of time cuddling, resting, and looking at baby.
Then spend 5 days near the bed. Move around to other parts of the house, nap when you feel like it, don’t stand for more than 30 minutes, and continue adjusting to the post-baby body. Rest and nutrition are key.
By this time, there may be some household chores piling up. Ask for help from friends and family! Anytime someone asks, “What can I do?” be prepared with a ready list of helpful chores, food items you would like and more.
Doctors Appointments
There will be a few visits back to the doctor in the couple of weeks after delivery. Some for you and some for baby. Be sure to ask what the normal follow-up times will be!
Have a pediatrician lined up for baby before he or she arrives. The hospital will ask you who the pediatrician will be.
What to do for a friend
In the United States, intergenerational living (living with grandparents, parents and children in one house) is not all that common, and often families live far from each other. It seems that everyone is busier than ever with work, hobbies, and obligations. That leaves very little time for helping each other out with no strings attached and no need for compensation. But you can be a life-changing, culture-defying friend.
Family or no, you are a helper. In the early days of having a baby, couples often find their “families of choice” surround them with offerings of food and grace. People from church, the gym, the neighborhood, become closer in this dependent time. As a friend or family member, you can look and listen for cues to act!
Don’t make them ask for help…
Your friend just had a enormous life changing event. She needs kindness above all. She needs you to identify a need like dirty dishes mounting in the sink, and then do them. Some more ideas: sweep the floor, do a load of laundry including the folding, offer to wipe down the bathroom, ask her if she wants to shower or nap for an hour while you hold the baby. (*But remember, new moms sometimes do not want anyone touching the baby just yet. Mom may be reluctant to let you hold the baby and it is truly not personal! Just let mom hold her precious bundle and you can fill in the rest.) Your mom friend is truly exhausted and if she is any kind of girl-boss, she will have trouble asking for help. You can be a hero by doing these things for her and not needing to be asked or thanked.
Today, Thrive
Remember, this time is challenging and intense, but you will learn to become a mother. You will fall in love over and over with the beautiful new creation in front of you. It is like wave after wave of intense emotions coming and going: fear of bad things happening, worry about money and work, love for your child. Learning to surf and thrive through it is possible!
If you are struggling to love this time, yourself or your child, and you need more than just a friend, there are professionals who know how to help. Below are a few resources available should you need them.
This three day per week program is for women who are struggling after a pregnancy and delivery. Women 18 and older during pregnancy and up to one year after giving birth are eligible. Referrals may come from any doctor, but mothers may choose to self-refer. Placement into the program is decided on a case-by-case basis. For more information, please call 314.251.0555.
SSM – MOMs helpline and support group
MOMS Line 314-768-6667
The MOMS Groups are free peer-led support groups for women dealing with worry, sadness and overwhelming aspects of life during pregnancy and postpartum. All moms are welcome, no matter the age of your baby. Groups are led by MOMS Line trained postpartum peer coaches. No registration or appointment necessary.
Join us on Zoom using the meeting ID and password provided or in person.
For more information, contact Kim at 314-768-8570.